Laughs with Visitors from History

Adam Smith, Karl Marx and Chairman Mao visit Washington

2008-10-06T13:36:00.000-07:00

Timecop escorted Adam Smith, Karl Marx and Chairman Mao to Washington DC during the Big American Global Bailout Financial Crisis of 2008.

Karl Marx said, "My thesis 'Das Kapital' needs rewriting. Socialism finally got destroyed in my model state, the Soviet Union, by a acute shortage of capital. The cold war ended, and capitalism boomed for 20 years, until now? Both socialism and capitalism are busted? I did not foresee that."

Adam Smith* observed, "Capitalism just got destroyed in a financial meltdown by excess supply of capital and the invisible hand of credit default swaps. I did not foresee that."

Chairman Mao said, "Gentlemen, I foresaw that. I left a secret note for my successors, saying that Stalin and successor Stalinist idiots got it wrong, fighting a cold war that would forever freeze them. Geopolitical power does not come from the barrel of the gun. It comes from selling a lot of $1 stuff to the guys with the biggest guns, then lending all of the money from sales proceeds back to them, and then being able to afford losing all the money that you lent to them, when your capitalist borrowers eventually end up shooting themselves in the foot, by borrowing even more from their own European hot money pockets**."

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*Unfamiliar with Adam Smith? See his career wiki, and the wiki on his origination of the idea of the invisible hand that steers capital markets.

**Mostly the Swiss and European bank deposits of petro-dollar sheiks, emerging market oligarchs, drug dealers and tax evaders.

Julius Caesar revises his classical remark

2008-09-19T13:16:00.001-07:00

Timecop gave the grand tour of Washington DC to Julius Caesar. When resting at a Borders bookstore, Timecop gave Caesar three books to browse: "Cliff's Notes on Shakespeare's Julius Caesar", "World History for Dummies" and "Cliff's AP United States History".

Timecop said, "These three books will give you a good idea what went on in the last 2,000 years after you laid the very foundation of western civilization as we know it today. Please consider staying back in this era. I think you'll find the US to be the most suitable empire to rule. It has a senate just like yours, the president is not the emperor, which is what you insisted upon in your time, and their standard emblem is the eagle, same as yours."

Julius Caesar quickly browsed through the books, interjecting with phrases like "Wow! Cleopatra made off with Mark Anthony!" and "So that what is my nephew Octavian did?"

Timcop asked Julius Caesar after he had finished, "There is so much written about you. Veni, Vici, Vidi: what a classic quote of yours! I came, I saw, I conquered. What do you think of this modern civilization as a tourist from history?"

Julius caesar said, "Veni, Vici."

Timecop said, "You came to this era, you saw this era. That is all? How about some sprited modern Vidi conquering? I had told you all about the troubles we are having with the middle-eastern provinces around Egypt. You could easily settle this matter. Come on, you must do a Veni, Vici, Vidi in this era too."

Julius Caesar said, "No Vidi now. Perhaps later. Right now, I want to do the Veni, Vici, Vade Retro."

Timecop said, "Vade Retro? Step back? How could Caesar ever step back?"

Julius Caesar said, "Yes, Vade Retro, take me back to my era. I have to take care of a few things with some of my senators. This CliffsNotes Shakespeare character of yours deserves credit for bringing this new development of senatorial gang-backstabbing to my attention. Et tu, Brute? We shall see about that. Then I have to revise my classical remark to my scribe Cicero as: Veni, Vici, Vidi; Veni Borders, Vici CliffsNotes, Vade Retro, Vidi Senatorii."

Aristotle considers the US presidency

2008-09-19T13:16:00.000-07:00

This joke is attributable to Cathcart & Klein*, who inspired this collection of spoofs. It is not an exact citation, but an improvisation over their original construct.

Timecop gave Aristotle a tour of Washington DC during the final weeks of the Bush administration. Timecop said, “Aristotle, based on your great wisdom and fantastic powers of logic, you would make a great president of this great nation. I can wrinkle time and arrange for your political entry at an appropriate time point that will undoubtedly lead to your presidency."

Aristotle pondered over this suggestion and said, “The job of head of state is not to my liking. I’m really a behind-the-scenes type of person. In my time, I have been like the Karl Rove behind George W. Bush, and my head of state candidate ruled quite successfully.”

Timecop said, “Really? I am not familiar with such a role that you played in history. Whose campaign did you run in your time? How did your candidate's legacy turn out?”

Aristotle said, “You know, I had this student** Alexander the Mediocre.......”

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*Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein, “Aristotle and an Aardvark Go to Washington,” Abrams Image, 2008.

**Aristotle (384-322 BC) was the tutor of Alexander (356-323 BC)– see the Alexander the Great Wiki.

Isaac Newton wrangles with the calculus of career change

2008-09-16T16:06:00.000-07:00

Sir Isaac Newton visited the modern era on a personal escorted tour conducted by Arnold Timecop. Newton was fascinated by the advances since his time in science and technology.

Timecop said, "Sir Isaac, I can arrange an extended stay for you in the modern era. Imagine how significantly you might help humanity solve the puzzle of what gravity really is. You started all this, and now you could help our struggling string theorists and lift gravity beyond where Einstein left it."

Newton said, "I would not want to do that. Modern mathematics and physics make no sense."

Timecop said, "Sir Isaac, for a champion like you, it would be trivial. I shall take you to the right place." Timecop led Newton to a cavernous Barnes & Noble bookstore around the corner and quickly zig-zagged to the "Dummies" book section.

Timecop gave Newton a stack of books containing "Physics For Dummies," "Physics Workbook For Dummies," "Calculus for Dummies," "Calculus Workbook for Dummies," "Calculus II for Dummies," "Pre-Calculus For Dummies," "Differential Equations For Dummies," crowned by "The Calculus Lifesaver: All the Tools You Need to Excel at Calculus".

Timecop said, "Here are several popular modern calculus and physics books. Why don't you review them, and then decide."

At the bookstore's browsing corner, over Starbucks coffee, Newton rapidly read all the Dummies Physics and Calculus books, shaking his head gravely.

Timecop said, "Sir Isaac, wasn't that easy? Now let us visit the university library and check out some more advanced books"

Newton said, "I can't do this calculus. Take me back to my time."

Timecop said, "Sir Isaac, did you not invent calculus and lay the very foundations for physics? What exactly is your problem with dy/dx?"

Newton said, "That, sir, is exactly my problem. You dummies of my posterity have ignored the fluxions and fluents method of my invention of calculus. You have adopted the dy/dx notation of my archival Leibniz. I won't do calculus in Leibniz's notation for dummies."

Timecop sighed. He located the Newton-Leibniz heated dispute Wiki to familiarize himself about Newton's quarrel with Leibniz. On their way out, they passed the aisle of career guidance books. Newton said, "Maybe I should explore other modern careers," and picked the book "How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success". Newton browsed the ranked list of careers ranked by salary and found physics to be dead last. At the top of the list was Investment Banking/ Banking/ Money Management.

Newton said, "Physics and Mathematics does not pay much in my era. I see that the situation has not changed. Perhaps I shall try out money management."

Timecop was excited. Maybe he could get Newton to stay for an extended period of time in this modern era.

Timecop said, "Great! I shall try to fix up a job for you at Lehman Brothers."

Newton said, "I meant, I shall quit physics and change career to money management in my own era. There is money in it."

Newton returned to his era, in real life, and became the Master of the Royal Mint. There certainly was money in it.

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